My story so far...

today/magical month/magical year

Hello after 2 long years of break from this blog. Checked my own writings after months and realised how much I missed this. In fact there were moments throughout when I really wanted to share stuff but something wasn't quite flowing in me. After reading my posts I felt like ohh jeezz why did I even write this, I don't even believe in half of the stuff anymore. And there were some posts which made me pat myself on the back because I think those are the things I still hold true. One of them was ‘grow like an immortal bud’ and right now as I write this, I am laying the new found layer of fresh petals after the older ones have fallen down.

As I am sitting comfortably on my couch I am thinking about how excited I was about the year 2022. The Gen Z spirituality in me who believes in astrological and numerological themes of years, months, people (always taking it with a grain of salt though) was hella excited because of the angel number 222 in 2022. The year was supposed to be one where you find balance, beauty, unions, stability, basically very powerful! It honestly felt like roses and fairytales as the year began because I so strongly believed this year will be a magical one and I am laughing as I am writing this. It surely was magical, yes! but not AT ALL in the way I expected it to be. To be more specific, this year felt like a rebirth, like shedding old skin, like moving through new moon to full moon a number of times, like petals falling off of the immortal bud. I don't know if I am exaggerating this but I do know that I am allowing myself to feel it completely by writing it down in this space and probably it truly does feel this intense. Of course this doesn't mean that the work is done, it is honestly just the start of it, a perspective shift but a huge one! And the process will go on...always.

Coming back to, as I was reading my blog posts and also whenever I check my old instagram posts I feel this sense of discomfort. Like when you judge yourself, yes I do that a lot- critically analyse myself to be more precise :) Nothing I am proud of but a way I strive to keep improving from the core of my heart. I feel like editing captions, redoing something or even deleting those posts but when it gets too much I give myself a break and be like, babe, listen you were a child and that level of insight at that age was great so slow the fuck down and let that part be. I mean I wouldn't be here if not there, as simple as that. I realised how controlling and rigid I sounded in my posts and thought patterns, like I am forcing my viewers to be a certain way. Probably I wanted them to because maybe I was forcing myself to be a certain way. It didn't cause any harm I am sure because my intentions were always, always to cater to everyone's growth. This was more of a 2020 version of me after which I felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride of highest highs and lowest lows that shaped me, is still shaping me. I achieved dreams I never thought of, met the best of people, had the best of time and adventures, had equal share of hurdles but something started changing in me long before I realised. I know I am not out of this ride yet and there is still soooo much to process but till now the realisations have come out pretty strongly and need to be seen in this small cute blog space of mine. I love this.

The biggest of all realisations was to create a space within me for letting me feel my emotions. I swear to God I was bad, pretty bad at that due to many valid reasons of course but I was still rejecting myself every time I was rejecting to feel my emotions. Anddd the funny part is that I didn't even know I was. Reading so much psychology, being so aware of everything that happens with me with exact reasons for where things are coming from of course my logical mind is a bang on when it comes to this but what about my emotions? What about my emotional mind? I guess I had no compassion for that. Yes I love myself, I have always loved myself in the most beautiful ways but been equally hard some days that I would expect myself to be okay too quickly. Every human is different and how we process emotions are equally unique, it took quite a time and hard ways to figure out what ways suit me; to be more precise- "how to be gentle with myself". I want to say that I am highly sensitive but honestly that is something all humans are. There is nothing special about it, yet it is special to be in tune with that sensitivity. I guess I allowed myself to do that, to be in tune with my sensitivity, my emotions, something I used to fight with a lot like I am playing WWE against The Great Khali. Now I welcome him in, honestly it is still difficult and uncomfortable but that is how it is supposed to be man! I know I am in this boxing ring now but just not do the boxing part. Go carefully near him, shake hands with him, try hugging him and whoosh it doesn't feel that heavy anymore after all he is a human too and understands that I am scared and that I don't want to fight anymore. Make a good relationship with that part of me and just be. The Great Khali doesn't feel scarily huge anymore, in fact it now provides a huge space for me to dwell and stay there as long as I want to and come back. Does it make sense? Hahaha I know it doesn't completely but the point is conveyed.

It is so funny how every time I think, that now I have had enough, the work is done and your other trigger goes like "Hello, I am still here". A part of realisation is also that these parts, these triggers are not going anywhere. Like seriously, it makes you YOU; so yeah mostly it will be there, we just learn to stand it and decrease the intensity as much as possible. I mean a part of respecting yourself comes by respecting these hurt parts in you and not by throwing them out of the window. Sometimes we do get to the point of having it processed enough where throwing it no longer even becomes the need. You are so completely okay with that part that it doesn't bother you anymore. And again not to forget, it makes you YOU.

This was majorly the year was about, very heavy but so transformational, hands down to the Universe's mind-boggling ways to teach you things. But what teaches you to be this? Your reaction to conflicts, your course of relationships with family, friends, romantic partners, the way you take care of your body, mind and soul, intentional self-reflection time, meditation, realisations under the shower, in dreams, after waking up, for me my psychology course, nature of jobs, vibe of the home, vibe of you, checking intentions, reuniting with things you loved, dropping fears, trusting the Universe, believing in magic, taking risks, being in touch with the present and the reality, seeing things as they are, getting influenced by some incredible souls contributing to the journey, praying, exploring places and people, experimenting, making mistakes, crying, screaming in the pillow, connecting to songs and movies, missing the old happy you and wondering how can I be like that again, realising that I have it me so I can be that again but better! This list is endless honestly but a share from my piece of the cake.

As we are closing this year, I feel sad and grateful. As much as I want to say that I absolutely hated the heaviness and disgust in the process, I also want to say that I am glad! I loved it, it was amazinggg! Thank God I understand things better now and I hope this shift remains, yes I am trusting that.

December feels good, it feels cozy, also because it is my favourite month of the year. Nothing can beat December’s vibe, it’s 12:30 am and wow it’s the best. I think I am gonna come back a few months or years down the lane with another story of how my current thinking will also look irrelevant to me. Nonetheless, I am cherishing all the versions <3

Finally, cheers to all the people who have been a part of my life. Also to all who are reading this right now, I am happy to have you here, it means a lot if you took out time to read till here. Thank you for contributing to this journey.

WITH SO MUCH LOVE AND SINCERITY,

NAMRATA JAGWANI